worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
