The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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