Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
