The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
