omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Randomize
