Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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