When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
