i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize