how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Randomize
