my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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