I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Randomize
