Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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