If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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