I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
