the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
