a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
