Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
