i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
