my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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