I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
