Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
