somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Randomize
