Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
