My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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