i'm signing you up for texting rehab
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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