Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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