Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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