Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
