How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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