I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Randomize
