My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize