dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
