You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize