i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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