I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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