Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
