Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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