i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
