OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
