I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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