just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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