I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
