Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
