Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
