Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
