Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Randomize
