I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
