We won't sleep together?
look no pants
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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