It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
sarcasm needs its own font
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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