Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
