i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I FOUND THE LEGS
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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