one two three fourrrrnication!
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
