We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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