I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
