Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
