Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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