I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize