my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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