You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
i think we sleep fucked last night...
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
