I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
